


It's The Fic Where Dirk Has Sex With Kanji

by Zivlok



Category: Homestuck, Persona 4
Genre: Crossover, I HAVE NO IDEA WHO KANJI IS I APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE WHO DOES, Other, jpeg abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-06
Updated: 2012-02-09
Packaged: 2017-10-30 17:01:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/334017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zivlok/pseuds/Zivlok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There aren't that many ways to fuck up a straight line.  Dirk had one particular way in mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dirk had finally found a use for his Bro's shitty JPEG-artifact producing camera, and he couldn't be happier.

 

As usual, he started off slowly, drawing a One on a piece of paper, and *CLICK*

 

In his hands he now held a small, thin, rod, which, for this camera, came out surprisingly well.  Of course, there aren't that many ways to fuck up a straight line.  Dirk had one particular way in mind.

 

Dirk took the rod, which admittedly, did have some odd lumps upon close inspection (but really, that was a bonus), and slowly, carefully, inserted it in his anus.  He remember when, not so long ago, even this caused him discomfort, but now all he felt was comfort and warmth, if not immense pleasure.  But he was just getting started.  Lazily, he scrawled a two on the back of the paper he'd been using, and *CLICK*

 

Now Dirk had two slightly misshapen rods, as well as the one already inside of him.  Musing upon something among the lines of "two in the hand is worth...", Dirk took both lengths and inserted them as well, where they fit snugly beside the first JPEG.  This was still warm up, and Dirk was able to (shakily) walk to his desk, and sit down, moaning at the sensations.  He knew that soon he would be in no position (heh-heh) to draw or operate a camera, so he might as well produce all of his toys now.  Bobbing slowly up and down, Dirk worked quickly and efficiently, and clicked away.  When he was satisfied, he moved to the bed, but brought his pen, some paper, and the camera along as well, just in case inspiration struck him in the moment.

 

Gritting his teeth ever so slightly, Dirk worked the three lengths inside him a bit more to loosen him up for the real event, and then slowly, deliciously removed them.  He decided to start things off with one of his favorites, Mountain.  Last time, he hadn't drawn it quite right, and it was not nearly as pleasurable as he imagined it could be.  But as soon as Dirk inserted the tip of the main rod, he knew he had done well this time.  Normally, he would take things a bit slower, but in a rush to see if his plan worked, Dirk jammed the JPEG as far up his ass as he could, letting out a keening groan.  He smiled triumphantly - his plan had worked.  While the main rod did it's work, the two connected "handlebars" to the sides hugged his hips like a lover, adding delicious sensation, and heightening the particular fantasy Dirk had running through his head.

 

Dirk, on all fours, wiggled his ass up and down, causing the "handlebars" of the JPEG to stroke up and down his legs, sending a shiver down Dirk's spine.  As Dirk continued, he pondered which toy to use next.  River?  Thematic, yes, but too similiar to One and Two.  Sun?  A classic, to be sure, but a little to plain for Dirk's current mood.  Rice field? Car? Sushi?  Don't make him laugh.  If only... Dirk stared longingly at Woman - how he desperately wished he was up to the challenge (the irony of using such an object was undeniable) - but he knew he just wasn't cut out for it.  Maybe with some more practice, but with that long horizontal line he just wasn't go to get anywhere far with it.  Dirk sighed and grabbed Man - maybe he could claim double reverse irony?  But he really didn't care at that moment about irony, he just needed MORE.

 

Dirk yanked the Mountain out of him, gasping a bit at the sudden sensation of emptiness.  He quickly stuffed the Man inside him - too quickly.  Grunting with pain, he grabbed the two handles now sticking out of his butt, and used them to manuever the square box into a more comfortable position, and tried to relax around its girth.  In about a minute, the pain had ceased, and he started to ride the familiar train higher and higher into pleasure.  Dirk could feel his cock hardening as he slowly but surely started to pummel himself in the ass, both hands still gripping his "tails".  Soon though, he was already bored, and he needed more.  More carefully this time, he eased Man out of him, and with a wicked grin, picked up Small.

 

While Small was indeed not the largest toy in his collection, it had two loosely connected angled rods which he just _adored_.  He couldn't get enough of the feeling of them slowly but surely widening him out at an angle, preparing him for further pleasures.  Fortunately, the connection between the main rod and the two angled ones was rather strong this time - while no connection appeared on paper, you could always count on extra lines, bumps, squiggles, et cetera with his Bro's camera.  Not to mention the colors and patterns - Dirk had long since stopped paying attention to those, because they sometimes hindered his otherwise profound enjoyment.  After just a few minutes with Small, Dirk was ready for Big.  While similiar in some ways to Woman, Big's horizontal line was somewhat smaller, and there was more length to be enjoyed before reaching that killjoy.  Usually Dirk used Big as a palate cleanser, something smaller to psyche himself up for the final toys.  But today Dirk decided to flip the tables on the irony of using Small as a big toy and Big as a small toy - he was going to take Big all the way.

 

Dirk easily inserted the top length, savoring this painless pleasure for a few seconds, gritted his teeth, and then began to work the rest of the JPEG inside himself.  It took many minutes of straining and self-encouragement, but he finally had half of Big inside him - he couldn't help but feel proud.  But he wasn't done yet.  The tapered tails of Big terminated in points even wider apart than the width of the first half of Big, and he couldn't wait.  But he had not anticipated how hard moving the rest of Big inside him would be, even with half of it in.  The horizontal length did NOT want to go any further, and Dirk eventually had to concede defeat.  As he removed Big, he cried out in pain, and he felt something dripping down the back of his legs, but his erection was now stark and hard as a rock.  Dirk considered Meat, another toy he had long lusted after purely for connotative reasons, but he just couldn't take something so squaroid again, not after Big.

 

Dirk returned to Small as he contemplated what to finish himself off with.  His erection was straining against gravity, and despite the recent pain, pleasure had quickly overwhelmed him, and he knew he was running out of time.  Suddenly, a flash of inspiration hit him, and he grabbed the pen and paper, and scrawled a sigil as best he could, and took a terribly shaky pic.  Dirk almost ceased all activity when he saw the output.  It was... it was... **_perfect_**.  The delicious-looking hook was there, but now the three errant droplets had been strung along, connected to the bottom of the hook.  Dirk hastily removed Small, and then, slowly, reverently inserted Heart.

 

The three big pearls slipped inside him, one after another, with the most delicious sensations.  Dirk's head was already swimming, and he was finding it hard to keep his glasses on.  But when he inserted the whole length, save the hook, he couldn't keep from screaming in frenzied pleasure.  He knew he wouldn't have much time before his Bro came to check on him, so he picked up speed, pounding himself with the rod as the beads swirled around inside him, touching places he didn't even know he had.  He smashed his face into his pillow, knocking his glasses off, and screamed muffled cries of the most heady, overwhelming pleasure.  In one quick movement, he twisted the toy as far and as hard as he could, removed it, flipped it turnways, and stuffed the very tip of the hook inside himself.  At that moment, he came, faster, harder, and more voliminously then he ever had before.  Dirk allowed himself a small moment to collapse and bask in the afterglow, but he quickly dashed up, pulled his pants back on, covered his cum puddle with his pillow, shoved the toys and the camera under his bed, and sat down at his desk.

 

Bro opened the door just as Dirk had settled in, and asked him why he had been screaming.  Dirk looked blank and said "I don't know what you're talking about Bro.  I was just practicing my kanji."


	2. Its That Chapter Where Dirk Has Sex With The Other Kanji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to a disinterested party, with lots of love.

Suddenly, the roar of an engine sounded, and this like totally kawaii yaoiaiooioi bikar dood ran over Bro (who was actually Dave after the scrattcgh if you doidnt know( and his that is Bro's round ben Stiller gasses flipped (turnways! lolololol!!!!!!) around tin the hair and it was very pignant and sad.  Oh and the bikar who was a total bishii was on his bik when he ran Bro over cuz you cant run over som1 on a bike if you dont have o bike or arr on a bike cuz  i mean duh what are you gay and retarded? gaytarded? JUST LIKE BEAUTIFUL KANJI HERE (kidding Kanji you know I love you mmmkisses!!! mwah!)

 

Dirk looked at Kanji and was overcome by his hotness nd trust issues and they were instantlly matesprites fo life, and then Kanji took of his hawt leather unifrom and slipped this gold condom on to show that he rilly cared and then he and Dirk had the awesomest of sezx dso awesome irk's kawaii pointy glasses fell off and they looked in each others eyes even though it was doggy stile they wer just thad flezible okey and it was the most beiutiful thing EVAR.  And then they both hit their you-kn-whats at the same time and they had totally did it and they were happy.

 

LOVE CONQUERS ALL BITCHES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But unbeknownst to Dirk and Kanji, a disinterested party was watching them the whole time, looking far from disinterested. He slowly munched on a handful of popcorn, and leaned closer... watching. Always... watching.

**Author's Note:**

> GAAAAAH WHY DID I WRITE THIS? So, the original prompt was Dirk/Kanji from Persona 4. Now, I have heard of but never played Persona 4, but I did know about kanji, the Japanese alphabet. If you couldn't tell (I tried to not be entirely explicit in that one regard), the toys Dirk was using were all bastardized and SBaHJized versions of Japanese characters for various words. I was using the following for reference:
> 
> http://www.japan-guide.com/g4/2046_01.gif  
> http://learnkanji.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/heart-big.jpg
> 
> This was the second in my series of cracky/silly HS ships and scenarios as prompted by tumblr. You can suggest some here: http://pantslesswrock.tumblr.com/post/17141666561/i-am-in-a-silly-mood-give-me-the-silliest-crackiest
> 
> Also, this is the first time I have written smut, especially what amounts to being basically gay smut (despite being solo), seeing as I'm straight. Also, if this were supposed to be actually written to give people who like this sort of thing pleasure, or to be an accurate depiction of such actions, I'm sure I failed miserably, and did fall upon a lot of cliche phrases, but well, if you really CAN get off to someone using SBaHJ kanji to masturbate, then you have all of my respect. Seriously. We should go get a beer sometime.


End file.
